Confessions

So 2020, huh? Wow.

As the year comes to a close, I’ve been doing some reflection. There seems to have been a recurring theme: LOSS. Collectively and personally. They just kept coming.

Professional losses, lifestyle, friendships and relationships, happiness, security. I was accustomed to keeping it together, but it was all falling apart. I saw myself on the road to an undisclosed destination with a trail of things I’d loved and lost behind me. Things I’d worked for. Things I’d depended on. Things I’d prayed for. Things I’d loved. There were so many missing pieces and I was absolutely reeling. I felt like I was losing who I was. Anxiety kept me awake at night. And the sadness. Simultaneously empty and heavy.

In the spirit of authenticity with God, I had to ask him, “Why did you take so much from me? I gave you everything. I’m doing what you told me. Are you angry with me?”

I had to ask him, “Why did you take so much from me?”

His answer– “I have plans for you.” Jeremiah 29:11 type plans. God wanted me to have the audacity to believe that despite everything, He was still in control and that everything was going according to plan. I held onto Psalm 20:7(NKJV). “Some trust in chariots, and some in horses; but we will remember the name of the Lord our God.” And I’ve fallen in love with 1 Thessalonians 5:9 (NLT) “For God chose to save us through our Lord Jesus Christ, not to pour out his anger on us.” It reminded me that:

1. God chose me
2. He did not choose me to pour out his anger and wrath on me (Jesus took it all)
3. He chose me to save me

When I questioned whether he was just trying to hurt me (shameful to even admit) he reminded me that he chose me, not for wrath, but for salvation and love.

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“Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.”

Lamentations 3:32-33 (NLT)

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My faith didn’t cause me to supernaturally transcend, at least not in the physical sense. But I can attest to the fact that his peace surpasses understanding. Walking in the will of God brings a stability that I can’t describe or comprehend. It transcends. Peace is available in the process.

I’d love to say that things are perfect now, they’re not. I’m still on the journey. And I’m perfectly okay with being a work in progress. But I can say that things are a lot clearer these days.

I’m able to see that the interruptions actually protected me. The heartbreaks taught me how to grieve properly. Those who walked away made room for those who entered. The struggle was only there to transition me into the things I’d prayed for. What I lost made me grateful for what I still had. The sadness taught me that joy can always coexist, and overshadow. The low points showed me even more what gifts I have in the people who loved me when I had nothing to offer them. Instability taught me about the solid Rock. Loneliness taught me about the friend I have in Jesus. My weakness showed me his strength.

Loneliness taught me about the friend I have in Jesus.

Now at the end of 2020, I’m living in the realization of so many long awaited answers to prayer. I’ve met some amazing people. And I’ve experienced and accomplished things I had only imagined. The person I was has been refined. More at peace, more joyful and closer to God than I’ve ever been. I’ve experienced him in a new way. This season of my life has cost me dearly, but I wouldn’t change any of it. I share the sentiments of Job in chapter 42:5 (NLT) “I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes.” I think that was his plan all along.

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